Children generally love both of their parents. They crave the support and acceptance of their parents, even if family circumstances become very complicated. Anything that threatens their connection with their parents could cause psychological distress.
When parents can no longer live together, they have to establish custody arrangements. They work out a situation where they can share parenting time and legal authority over their children. In some cases, the children in the family may have to express their preferences regarding where they live and the overall division of parenting time. The need to consider and then publicly express those wishes can be very stressful for children and teenagers.
When must children weigh in on contested custody matters?
When they are old and mature enough
Asking a four-year-old where they want to live when their parents separate isn’t particularly reasonable. Four-year-olds are barely able to understand the concept of divorce. They are not in a position to provide a nuanced, well-reasoned explanation for their custody wishes.
Unlike some states that set a specific age for considering a child’s wishes, New Jersey requires that judges make decisions on a case-by-case basis. They need to consider how mature the child seems and then how well-reasoned their preferences actually are. Additionally, the child’s preferences don’t dictate the terms a judge sets. They are one of multiple details that influence the final custody order.
When parents can’t settle their disagreements
Divorcing parents and unmarried parents choosing to live separately generally have the option to settle their own custody arrangements. They can work together to create a nuanced parenting plan that truly reflects the family’s unique circumstances.
Unfortunately, working together to address family matters can be incredibly difficult for those in the later stages of relationship decline. Some parents want to use their children as a way to hurt each other. Other times, parents sincerely disagree about what is best for their children.
If they must litigate, then that could lead to pressure on their children. Children generally only need to give their perspective on custody matters when a litigated custody case goes in front of the judge.
Parents who consider how stressful speaking up about custody matters could be for their children might find it easier to work with one another to resolve their disagreements. Parents who recognize that litigation is essentially inevitable may need help learning more about drafting non-contested plans, and the way that judges make determinations in contested custody cases, and that’s okay.
